


glazed eyes, empty hearts

by mitchell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Angst, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, cant forget the 2012 tag either haha, dan doesnt seem to give a fuck but he does i swear, i dont know what else to tag, phil is hurt and cries a lot, phil writes poetry too so theres that, they have sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4455800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitchell/pseuds/mitchell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s 6am and you decide that if you drink vodka fast enough it tastes like love. And when you throw it up a few hours later, you decide that’s how love feels like."</p><p>or, the fic where the vday video leaks and Phil doesn't know how to handle it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	glazed eyes, empty hearts

**Author's Note:**

> tw: some swearing, mentions of self harm, mentions of eating disorders, mentions of suicide, mentions of alcohol, smoking and all that comes with angst written by me.
> 
> if you find that i forgot to tag something/add a trigger warning to the fic, please let me know so i can add it.

Something's wrong. You can tell by the way he suddenly freezes, hands starting to shake. 

"What's wrong?" You ask him. He doesn't give you an answer, instead he slams his laptop shut and leaves the room. 

It's not until you log onto tumblr that you begin to realise what's happened. All over your dashboard are screen shots and gifs of the video you made for him, and all you want to do is cry.

You end up blocking and reporting a little under 60 blogs that night in an attempt to get the video down.

 

Three hours later it's back up and you can hear Dan scream in his bedroom.

*

It's been three days since you last spoke to him, and the ache in your chest won't leave, getting progressively worse with each glance you spare in his direction. 

*

The next time you see him he demands that you two have a talk. It goes as well as one would like to imagine. 

"I don't wanna come out", he says.  
"They can't know we're together."  
"They'll hate us."  
"I'm not ready."

"Are you ashamed of me?" You ask weakly. He doesn't answer and you don't bother to hide the look of hurt on your face. You know that he can see how badly you want to run away, how badly he hurt you. Yet he doesnt do anything other than leave the room.

*

You're in your bedroom. It's 3am and you've got a wine bottle in your hands, laptop carefully balanced on top of your folded legs. You will yourself not to cry, because he doesn't care. He really doesn't. 

By the end of the night, the bottle of wine is almost as empty as you feel and in a last ditch attempt to make the pain stop, you cry into your pillow.

*

The two of you are fighting. Broken plates and cups are littering the floor. You swear that soon your heart will follow. You're right, because when the screaming has died down and you ask him, "do you even love me anymore?", he doesn't answer. Instead, he looks down on his hands, and you can feel your heart shattering into thousands of tiny pieces, smashed like the china on the tiled floor. You choke back a sob as you leave the kitchen, but not before you grab a bottle of vodka from the cupboard. 

That night you drink until you pass out, your head hurting the next morning nearly as much as your heart does. 

*

You don’t sleep too well anymore, and it’s starting to show. You’ve got dark bags under your eyes, and your already pale skin is getting paler. You’ve lost weight too, only a few pounds and you try to not feel proud.

*

4 am is a lot different for some people.

There’s 4am; feeling so unstoppable, so on top of the world. loud laughing ringing in your ears, smiles big enough to make your cheeks ache. Giggles being muffled by a pillow, trying not to be too loud and wake the neighbours.

But then there’s 4am; feelings of unworthy, wondering why you feel the way you feel, and why you just can’t be normal. Silent screams, tear stained cheeks, sweaty shirts and a longing for the clock to finally hit 5am, and for your mind to finally shut up and to let you fucking sleep.

You start to wonder when you stopped having the first type of 4am completely.

(You know when it happened. It was when the video leaked and things got bad between you and Dan, but you’re never gonna admit that to yourself.)

*

You don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden you've got him pressed up against a wall as he claws at your back, begging you to go harder. His moans are intoxicating, you think whilst biting at his neck.

When he comes it's with a gasp, eyes closed as his head hits the wall. You swear you've never seen anything more beautiful in your life.

(That night you hear him crying through the walls, and it's kind of fucked up how you're glad that he's not okay).

*

It starts happening more often after that. Whenever you fight, you end up having angry sex and it feels so good to finally be able to touch him. And when the two of you are done, you lay down to catch your breath together.

The high of an orgasm doesn't last long enough though, because after just a few minutes he climbs out of bed, grabs his clothes and leaves. You refuse to cry, even if you're crying inside. 

*

You think that things are finally starting to look up, since you wake up to the sound of Dan singing while making breakfast. When you walk into the kitchen he flashes you a smile, and for a second your heart stops. You force yourself to smile back before pouring yourself a cup of coffee. The concerned glance you recieve from him goes unnoticed.

(Things weren’t looking up, and it’s tearing you apart.)

*

You never thought you would end up buying a pack of cigarettes for yourself. But then again, you never thought you would break up with the boy you are so so so in love with. As you light one up, you begin to think and you realise that even if the two of you dont act like a couple, you never really broke up. You silently hang onto that tiny bit of hope as you breathe in the smoke, wincing at the slight burn in your throat.

(It's funny how nothing you've done can compare to the dull throb in your heart or the emptiness in your stomach.)

*

You begin writing poetry and posting it on a sideblog on tumblr. They're filled with metaphors, clever rhymes and emotions. Most of them are sad, but others are angry and the frustration mixed with unrequited love clear, even through a short text post.

He asks you if you're okay, you smile and nod, telling him "Yes, I am perfectly fine". 

(You really aren't, and later when you stand in front of your mirror you wonder when you started to look like an empty shell of what once existed).

*

You booked yourself an appointment with a doctor in hopes that he’ll give you pills - anything to numb the pain. You play it all up the best you can, and when you leave it’s with a prescription for antidepressants and sleeping pills.

*

You once think that maybe if you lose weight, he will come back. You make yourself throw up once before you realise how fucking awful that is. He loves you - or atleast he did. He wouldn’t want you to do that. So you promise yourself that it was only a one time thing.

(It didn’t end up being a one time thing, but you force youself to not keep doing it. If you developed an eating disorder you would never forgive yourself.)

*

You wrote a little something on a post it note and hid it under the coffee table to finish writing later, so you’re a little suprised to see Dan sitting on the sofa, reading it.

“Did you write this?” he asks, voice wavering. When you nod, he asks who it is about and honestly, fuck him. You walk forward to him, ripping the note from his hands before leaving the room. 

“I can’t breathe without you near,  
you keep me safe  
you keep me sane  
you keep me honest”

(When you’re back in your own room, you read the post it note and wonder how in Gods name he didn’t realise it was about him.)

*

Dan leaves to go visit his parents for a week. you tell him goodbye, and once he left you make your way out on the balcony with your cigarettes and coffee. You haven't cried in two weeks, and you're thinking that you might finally be okay.

You light up your cigarette, taking as long drags as possible, breathing them out slowly. The smoke is oddly calming, but that might just be the nicotine kicking in. You smile and look down on the pavement, watching the people walk by.

When you stand up to leave, you accidentally knock over the empty mug which falls over and onto the ground. You don't know how, but somehow you end up on the ground and you're breaking down. You cry for the first time in two weeks, violent sobs escaping your mouth and it feels like the walls are caving in on you, your chest feeling so incredibly tight and you can barely breathe.

That night you learn that you had a panic attack, and you hope you never have to experience one ever again, even if the sheer terror running through your body made you forget a little bit of just why you were even out on the balcony in the first place.

*

You decide to call PJ when you’re absoulutely pissed, and you wont stop crying over Dan. PJ tries his best to comfort you, but words can only do so much when the boy you love doesn’t care anymore. That’s what you tell PJ and he tells you to stop being so stupid, that Dan does love you. You don’t believe him for a second.

*

It's been six months, two weeks and four days since the video leaked, and you're still as in love with him as you were when you met him.

*

You’re on your way out to the balcony when you notice that the usually empty space is already taken. Dan is sitting on the ground, talking on the phone and the door is slightly open. You can hear him speak and his voice sounds like it’s about to crack when he says the next sentences. You leave as fast as you possibly can without making a sound.

“Sometimes it’s like I hardly know him. And I can’t help but to think that somebody else would understand him better than me, and it fucking sucks.”

*

I’ts been six months and three weeks since the video leaked, and you’ve finally had enough. You decide that once Dan comes home, you will talk to him, the two of you will sort this all out and it will all be fine. It has to.

He comes home at 2am with another boy in his arms, giggling. It makes your stomach twist and you feel like throwing up before burying yourself alive. You know you can’t stay here, so you grab your phone and make a bee line for the hallway. Just as you open the door, you hear a loud moan. If your heart wasn’t broken into thousands of pieces before, it definitely is now you think as you slam the door shut and run away from the flat.

That night you spend curled up next to PJ, crying your eyes out as he rubs your back, and you can’t help but to wonder what you ever did to deserve this. You fall alseep on PJ’s couch, and in the morning you leave a thank you note on his breakfast bar.

 

You don’t talk to Dan for a week after that. Most of that time was spent locked in your room, writing angry-sad-pathetic poetry in your notebook that you know will never be posted on tumblr.

For some reason you do end up posting them. You’ve got no followers on it so it’s not like someone will read them anyways.

*

You’re in the kitchen making yourself breakfast when you see him for quite some time. He smiles at you as always. If it wasn’t for the fading hickey on his neck you would probably have tried to smile back. Instead you walk past him, leaving your food in the kitchen. You decided that today wasn’t a good day for breakfast.

*

It’s 6am and you decide that if you drink vodka fast enough it tastes like love. And when you throw it up a few hours later, you decide that’s how love feels like.

*

You haven’t posted a video in almost two months, and all of your subscribers are worried. You try to film, but you find it absolutely impossible to turn on the camera and act like nothing is wrong, when in fact, everything is. It physically pains you to put a smile on your face, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t cover it up. 

Last time you tried to make a youtube video you took one look at youself in the mirror and broke down, the camera capturing it all.

*

Dan is asleep on the couch when you get home and you almost want to smile, instead you grab the nearest blanket to put over him. When he rolls over, his arm falls out from beneath the blanket and your heart stops. From your sight, it almost looks like cuts on his arm, but you shake that thought away just as fast as it came. Dan wouldn’t do that to himself, never in a million years. 

When you leave the room your head is swimming in thoughts and you feel like passing out.

*

Lately you feel like your eyes are constantly glazed over with tears, even more so when you think of Dan. You want to talk to him so bad, want to ask him how he is. You want to kiss him and promise him the world. That plan doesn’t go too well since you can’t even bear to be in the same room as him, let alone look him in the eye.

*

You don’t remember why exactly you fought. You do remember that the video leaked and he wasn’t ready to come out. You do remember the way your voice quivered when you spoke and you do remember how Dan’s voice went from annoyed to angry. You try so hard to remember everything else, but it’s hard to think when your eyes wont stop leaking and your head is pounding.

Before you know it, the clock goes from 3:59 to 4.00 and you couldn't feel more empty. You sit on your bed, with your back to the door and watch as the rain pours down outside, the bleak horizon weather up to how you feel inside. 

*

You go inside Dan’s room to ask if you can borrow his charger. He’s not in there, but his macbook is, and it’s open on a google search for ‘flats for sale in manchester’. You stumble out of his room, head filled with questions you know you wont ask.

It’s 4am, and your thoughts involves quitting youtube and Dan moving out. That night you cry youself to sleep, holding a bottle of pills.

(You wake up in your bed, the pills being flushed down the toilet and you silently thank Dan.)

(It also makes you cry because this means that he doesn’t want you dead.)

*

For the first time in ages, both of you are in the same room. You’re watching TV and he’s on his laptop. Sure, you’re sitting as far away from each other as possible, but it’s a start and it’s enough to make your heart flutter.

When Dan leaves to go to the bathroom he leaves his computer open. You turn off the TV and make your way to your room, but the tab Dan left open caught your eye. You swear that you recognise the tumblr account, but think nothing more of it as you leave.

 

It’s not until you’re almost asleep that you realise he was reading your poetry.

*

You don’t know how you got here, but you’re on the floor, having what must be your fifth panic attack. You can feel his arms around you, and it only makes you panic more. He wasn’t supposed to know about this, he really wasn’t. 

“I don’t wanna lose you, I can’t, - I can’t lose you, please don’t leave me, please Dan, oh god..” you manage to choke out, he only holds you tighter and kisses the top of your head. The tears wont stop pouring, and your body doesn’t seem to stop shaking, but he’s not letting go and God, it means the world to you.

He manages to get you off the floor once your panic attack slowed to a halt. The two of you lay down in your bed and he holds you tight. He keeps whispering something that you think sounds an awfully lot like “I’m sorry” over and over again. It makes your heart clench, because it’s not his fault.

(Most of this is his fault, but you would never admit it. It would make this whole situation much more real.)

*

When you wake up, it’s to arms tightly wrapped around your waist and hair tickling your neck. You smile and for once, it doesn’t feel like a lie. You turn around in his arms as carefully as you can, and when he wakes up he kisses your forehead before leaving.

It hurts, but not nearly as much as it used to.

*

Later that day you talk it all out. You tell him about the smoking, throwing up, the pills and the suicidal thoughts. He tells you about his self harm and anxiety, and that he constantly thought you hated him, that you wanted nothing to do with him. You’re both giant messes of assholes and you're both absolutely fucked up, but atleast you know it.

“I miss you”, you mumble, and all of a sudden there are arms around you, and you’re both crying and it feels so good to have him in your arms again.

“Can we please try again?” he asks, and you nod. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

*

That night you tell him that you love him. He smiles before he kisses you, and then you’re both crying and whispering ‘I love you’ over and over again.

*

It’s been a year since the video leaked, and things are nowhere near perfect, but it’s slowly becoming that way. You still have a lot to talk about, and it’s gonna be a long time before the two of you are back to where you once were, but it’s a start. 

For the first time in almost a year, you feel content.

**Author's Note:**

> if you caught the all time low and marianas trench reference i made in this fic, go you!!  
> also, the poem phil 'wrote' is all time low lyrics in case you were wondering.
> 
> it's been quite some time since i last wrote fanfic, and that was like, last year in october i think wow. anyways, i hope you enjoyed the fic, and if you did, please leave kudos/bookmark it/comment on it, it really makes my day.


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